How to Change Your Parenting Style and Master the Politician’s Answer

There are many different parenting styles. There are also several different types of governments. To be good at parenting, we must be able to adapt as our kids get older, kind of like changing to different governmental models.

Okay, hear me out. When our kids are very young, we need to be dictators. We need to rule over them and they need to obey everything that we say. We tell them when to eat, sleep, bathe, shower, change, how to dress, and the rest.

As our kids start getting a bit older, they start moving into Middle School. Here, we need to become something akin to an Oligarchy. At times, our kids are like peasants; we don’t really care what the peasants think, we just want them to act according to our regulations. At other times, our kids are more like the Lords or Ladies who might be rallying the peasants to overthrow you by running for the torches and pitchforks (metaphorically…I hope). All this to say, sometimes our rules are to be obeyed without question, but other times we must hear our adolescent children out.

As our kids grow into teenagers, we need to shift toward a more democratic approach to leadership. You see, your kids will eventually be going to be out on their own. Without your supervision, you’re going to have to rely on the fact that what you’ve taught them will stay with them even when they are independent. They are somewhat grown and capable of making their own decisions, so instilling a sense of respect toward the guidelines you have taught them will keep them from making the wrong decision. To accomplish this, we will need to make some concessions and be a bit more diplomatic than when we acted as dictators. This is where the art of the politician’s answer comes in handy.

The Politician’s Answer

Let’s talk a bit about what exactly I mean by “politician’s answer.” Politicians are known for being able to respond diplomatically to difficult questions, but how can we do this as parents?

Instead of meeting your kid(s)’ requests with a simple and unwavering “no,” try to give a “yes” but with conditions, so that both you and your child (or children) are satisfied with the outcome of the situation.

A Couple Examples

Let’s go through some examples of what this would look like in a real-life situation.

Your child asks you, “can I play on the tablet?” and you say “no.” What kind of reaction does this typically yield from your kid(s)? It is more than likely that they react to a simple “no” with anger, frustration, and probably the start of a coup they’ll organize alongside their siblings.

Instead, let’s use the “politician’s answer.”

Again, your child asks “can I play on the tablet?”

Rather than immediately and flatly meeting them with a “no,” you say, “yes, absolutely!” – and then give them the conditions – “as soon as you clean your room. If you do it quickly, I’ll even give you a little extra time on the tablet. And remember, throwing everything out the window or into the closet doesn’t count as cleaning your room!”

Here, we meet the desires of both parties involved and avoid an unnecessarily tense situation. The child gets their time on the tablet, but also get their chores done in pursuit of that.

Let’s try one more example.

Your child asks, “can I watch my show on TV?”

You use your “politician’s answer.”

“Yes, absolutely, as soon as you get your homework done. Do you need any help on your homework today or can you do it on your own? As soon as that’s finished, I’ll even sit down and watch the show with you.”

Here, we have a similar outcome. The child tends to their academic obligations and gets to watch their show on TV. Additionally, with you offering to help them complete the homework, you are not only giving them a fair answer, but you are aiding them in completing the assigned task and taking an interest in their studies, two things that will go far in establishing a mutually respectful relationship between you and your kids.

By Jason Purcell

Co-owner / Head Instructor at Family Black Belt Academy