One Simple Strategy to Maintaining Communication with Your Kids

Parents tend to fall into one of two camps when it comes to maintaining communication with their kids throughout the child’s lifetime. Parents are either worried that their children will not continue talking to them as they get older, or they are not worried and expect the level of communication between them and their children to stay constant across time. This latter group’s thought is typically, “my kid(s) talk to me all the time right now, why would they stop?”

Well, as your kids become more independent, they start having more friends, responsibilities, and activities. Basically, they have obligations that deplete the time you would typically spend together. When they were 4 or 5 years old and they had a question or a problem, they would naturally come to you about it because they were around you a lot. As they get older, are surrounded by friends, and removed from you for longer periods of time, they start to bring those questions to the people around them: their friends. These friends likely do not have many more life experiences than your child and cannot offer wise advice. That is not to say kids don’t ever have solid advice to give, but good advice often comes from experience, which kids inherently lack.

Despite our kids spending more time away from us, we want to make sure our kids still feel that they can talk to us at any time, anywhere, and about anything. We want them knowing they can always talk to us. So, how do we make sure we maintain a strong line of communication with them? Well, there are a number of things we can do.

Firstly parents, what questions we are asking, when we are asking them, and how we are asking them matters. It matters significantly. I also want to give you a quick answer, something you can think about implementing right away. While this is a viable solution, remember that there are several things we should be working on to improve communication. However, these things require time, patience, and practice to master. In our Family Wellness Program, there are various exercises and events I give parents, kids, and the family as a whole that help them create a regimented practice around maintaining communication.

The Quick Fix

For the purposes of this blog post, I want to give you something you can implement right away. This might seem like an obvious one, but there are usually some overlooked areas for improvement with this. Without further ado, here it goes:

Spend time with your kid!

Here’s the great thing about this: it doesn’t matter which activity you choose to do; just make sure it’s something that your kid likes to do. Of course, you can do things that you want to do from time to time as well but make the time to indulge your child in the activities they’re passionate about. Even if it’s just 10 to 15 minutes per day, or an hour every other day, or once every week, make sure to carve out some good one-on-one time with them.

Even if you’re not interested in the activity (and yes, I know kids sometimes like doing seemingly boring things), don’t focus on that activity. Focus on your kid. Focus on their smile. Focus on the fun they are having. Even if you aren’t interested, be interested in them. We want to let our kid pick the activity. Parents, just go with it. Don’t worry about the rules, just have fun with them. Quality time isn’t about the activity, it’s simply about the time you spend with them and for them.

As they get older, this is reinforcing that you care, that you want to be in their life, that you want to know what is happening with them. The more time you get to spend with them, the more opportunities they have to be open with you. Go outside, play board games with them, watch some of their shows, play their video games with them, ask them questions. Most importantly, listen to them. Always let them know that you are listening.

I’ve known parents that were struggling with a child and saw improvements in the child’s behavior simply by carving out some extra time to participate in an activity that the child enjoyed. You are the most important influence in your child’s life – give them your undivided attention. Turn off your phone, make that emotional connection with them, and let them know you are there to listen to them in those moments.

By Jason Purcell

Co-owner / Head Instructor at Family Black Belt Academy